My Body is a Wonderland ... For Stretchmarks

Stats!
How far along - 36 w 5 d (full term THIS SUNDAY!)
Weight gained - 41 lbs  :-o
Shape - sphere
Symptoms - intermittent heartburn, back pain when walking, stretchmarks, putting on underwear now more akin to carnival ring toss
"Waist" size - 48"
Wedding ring/belly button - still on, still in
Looking forward to: The first DCRG bout of the season, going on maternity leave, being able to walk more than half a mile

I've been feeling pretty craptastic about myself lately.  This pregnancy is almost over, and I just feel like I did it ALL WRONG, but told myself that I was doing ok.  I have eaten too much, eaten the wrong things, not exercised enough, and now I feel like that's all coming back to bite me in my giant butt.

At 35 weeks I seem happy and proud to be the size of a minor planet.

My 36-week doctor's appointment yesterday yielded mixed results.  My blood pressure is way up, but not up so much that I should worry about pre-eclampsia ... yet.  The doctor told me to walk every day and get lots of fluids, so I'm trying that.  My weight is also way up -- up 6 lbs from my last appointment two weeks ago.  What???  I'd heard that weight gain slows down at the very end, not ramps up.

I was also disappointed to learn that my cervix is shut tight as a drum.  No effacement, no dilation.  No baby anytime soon.  I just hope she doesn't go overdue too long.  I'd like her to "cook" as long as she needs, but I will be going seriously crazy after October 7 if she hasn't hit the scene yet.  Also, while she was "engaged" (dropped) at my last visit, she has since disengaged.  Apparently, it happens.  She's just not ready yet, I guess.

The good news (and the most important news, anyway) is that Alex seems to be doing great and growing well.  She is now at an estimated 6.5  - 7 lbs.  Her heartbeat is strong and steady.

But I was feeling basically like a failure for my high weight and blood pressure, despite the fact that the doctor told me not to worry about it.  On the doctor's advice, I went for a walk last night around the neighborhood -- just over half a mile -- and it was *so* hard.  My back was killing me after the first block. 

It's really hard for someone who has run four marathons, done an olympic triathlon, and played a sport requiring four 2-hour physically intense practices per week to not be able to walk one mile.  I feel so huge and fat and out of shape.  It just kills me.

Then we get home and start putting on the stretchmark cream (which we have done nightly for the past five months).  I ask Dean if my stomach is a stretchmarky mess (I can only see the top half of my stomach).  He says it's not crazy, but that they are "progressing".  I get up and look in the mirror.  It's strechmark city down there. I felt so awful.  I started crying. A lot.

So now I am thinking, I am the biggest, fattest, roundest, widest person in the world.  I can't walk a half mile.  My stomach is covered in strecthmarks.  I am disgusting.  I was feeling pretty down on myself last night.  My being sad made Dean sad, and he told me that he loves me so much and thinks I'm beautiful.  I hate making Dean sad.  Love him so much!

So there's that.  I'm just going to walk daily and drink my fluids like the doctor said, and try not to feel bad about how enormous and clumsy I am right now.  It _might_  just be temporary.  I can get back into shape after Alex comes, if I'm willing to work super hard at it.  And I'm going to get a postpartum belly belt to try to get my waist back more quickly.

In other news, we had Alex's baby shower last weekend!  We had a great time and Alex got a ton of stuff that she'll need.  I am feeling more and more ready for her arrival.  Now I just have to clean the house, top to bottom, like a maniac once I'm finished with work.

Only one more week of work!!  I can't wait until work is over.